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America and the All-Utility Short

Written by Zach Pointon

Contains Explicit Language

Source: Chuck Cage, CO mountain biker and photographer

The discovery of the West as an American region is often preoccupied with rhetoric surrounding gold, outlaws and cannibals. Or, the near extinction of the land’s prior occupiers. It was a dark time and humanity was equally at its best AND its worst. The ambition of the men and women who led expeditions westward believed they could out-muscle blizzards, miles of desert and fucking grizzly bears. They planted a permanent mentality of broadening perceived limits and birthing unique innovations. Eventually, eloping some of the greatest minds to ever live.

They also stripped an entire nation of their God given rights to land, natural resources, property, and basic human rights while simultaneously infecting them with diseases which immune systems weren’t built to manage. History is truly a mother fucker.

Men’s utility shorts are similar in an incredibly less important and less meaningful way.

Growing up in the 90's, any shorts worn above the knee were considered a sacrifice of style and an abandonment of the goal of losing your virginity. Even though I look back and think how silly I was for thinking that way, it wasn’t crazy at the time. Dudes who wore utility shorts were band geeks, cross country runners and guys WAY too into country music. God forbid you were stuck stretching before basketball practice next to a Neanderthal who had body hair longer than the goatee you’ve been working on since 8th grade.

But something changed. It was around the time I moved to NYC in 2012. I started meeting more gentlemanly individuals who were so confident in their ability to make stupid amounts of money, that it didn’t matter the length of their shorts. It blew my mind. This was contrary to everything I’d ever known. They had side pieces in separate area codes for god sakes. How is it I was SO wrong, for SO long?

Once they articulated to me the tangible and measurable attributes that quality utility shorts have over basketball shorts, my life changed forever. I started going to nicer restaurants, began speaking in a cleaner dialect, spoke nicer to people, and even started making more money for fuck sake. For the first time in my life I could sleep, chill, play basketball, go swimming and relax in the same pair of shorts for consecutive days.

My life changed forever.

While it was an incredibly important moment in my life, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with the controversial history of the United States. I guess nothing really. If you were hoping for an introspective deep dive into the complexities of human behavior, I apologize. But it does show how our tightly held opinions can always be flipped upside down when humans are exposed to worlds they didn’t know existed.

Source: Chuck Cage, CO mountain biker and photographer

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